My Backpack and Me

All things considered, I consider myself to be somewhat of a hermit. Most days all I want to do in the evening is snuggle with my dog and bf and watch Doctor Who. I am not particularly interested in letting the world know what is going on in my life. Frankly, sometimes I wonder if I was born in the wrong generation, (considering my bf is 20 years older, the evidence supports my suspicions).

HOWEVER, every once and a while I want to be just like everyone else, writing blogs about my perfect life and eye-opening adventures, taking pictures of everyday beauty and secretly hoping that someone somewhere will read about my life and be amazed. Because really, this past year has been AMAZING for me. Germany, Israel, England, Wales, Arizona, Mexico. I've been at home for a total of 4 months this past year, and I feel the effects it has had on my psyche. Both negative and positive.

I feel like I am floating, weightless, above the world and everyone is calling for me to come down. I know it is time to come down and sort out the pieces of my life I tossed aside in favor of the backpack. I left a job, I left a home. Neither are the same anymore, and I'm nervous about adapting to the changes. As far as travel goes, I'm done. I'd like to spend some time nesting, I'm not eager to run off to somewhere else exotic. But its strange to think that right now I am very comfortable with myself as a traveler. I know myself, life isn't complicated or weighed down by possessions, deadlines, or even the expectations of those around you who see you everyday, the same as the day before. Maybe that's why I'm not running back with open arms?

One of my realizations in the tropical jungles of Mexico is that the majority of my wardrobe is very fitting for that environment. A lot of clothes my mother passed down to me, or the colorful skirts, shawls, dresses I have accumulated work very nicely as everyday wear. Clothes that stay tucked in my closet in Portland, never daring to come out because it's too cold, or too flashy, or too daring. I want to change that. I love fashion (especially fashion I can pull off for a buck, which I can). It feels great, exactly the same feeling when I used to dress up as a kid. There was once a pair of red pumps that were my favorite pair of my mothers shoes because they were RED. I would walk around in them, way too big for my little toes and make a hell of a racket. Now they fit me perfectly. Treasure.

My sister gets married one week from today.

                                                        Gabi and Me, SF Zoo, 1992. 

My sister and I have had the most polar opposite years. She bought a house with her fiancee and planned a wedding, the two ultimates of settling, committing, making some serious investments in the future. I imagine her standing on a very very solid foundation, and I'm proud of her for building such a wonderful beginning of a life for her new family.

I, on the other hand, ran away and joined the circus (literally), and have been floating, floating, floating ever since. Granted, I have done some things to work towards a future (applying to grad school, etc), but I have noticed that a big similarity between Paul and me is that we both have that flame under us that keeps us moving, searching, exploring, touching the corners of the planet and making each place another home. I have no foundation to stand on that I can call all my own, expect maybe a banana plantation in Nayarit, Mexico. Writing it down for the first time makes my heart thunder. Life is funny that way.

So in about a week I'll be back in Portland, with no immediate plans to take off again. I am nervous to face the winter in full force (well, Portland winter anyway, I know I am a wuss with the cold, I blame SF upbringing). Maybe one day I'll sit down and write about the rest of Israel, all of the UK, and Mexico with everything in between. Or maybe I won't. It's all floating, floating in my head like a dream, but I know it wasn't a dream, and it makes me giddy thinking of all the stories I could tell.

There is one thing I can say for certain. The culminating lesson I have learned, the pearls of wisdom I have gained from meeting all the people I met, all the lives whose paths have crossed with mine. I know that it's all going to be okay. The world is so big. Life is long. And everything is going to be alright. Pretty zen, right?

Sheesh, I've become such a hippie :)