PLAN (sort of)

Two weekends ago I experienced one of my most difficult weekends here. Granted, it was entirely my fault, but do you ever just wake up on a Saturday and know instantly that it is not going to be a productive weekend? Well, it was like that for me. There have been a couple weekends now where I have sort of fallen into this hole… and I refuse to crawl out till Monday morning when I have to.

It’s been almost a month since I have written, and I’ve been avoiding it, because for a while I felt like I had to wait to write until I had sorted through all my feelings and made definitive decisions. Then I could write the end-all-be-all of blog posts where I proclaim to all of you on my mental and emotional progress and I reveal the all-mighty PLAN, all shiny and exciting.

Hello, my name is Sylvia Walter, and I am a procrastinator. I have been since I was young, and I have always tried to rise above it, but to no avail. Sometimes it’s like this internal battle with myself, my mind and my body are opposed to one another. My mind says, “Go out Sylvia! Frolic in the sun! Make the most of every day!”, but my body is lethargic, my limbs heavy, my heart… is just not in it. I don’t know why I act that way… I used to boast that in high school, I procrastinated to the point where every English paper I ever wrote was started the night before it was due. Even the 15 page saga on Plato’s “The Republic”. I was actually kind of proud of that. I never wrote a terrible paper. (tests are another story though…). I still remember the caffeine experience I had the morning after my first all-nighter in college. I had a double latte and spent the morning sitting in the hallway of the theatre starting out the window, my skin crawling and my nerves shot.

But this isn’t about that.

This past month I have been rolling over again and again trying to come to a decision whether or not I will stay here in Germany the full year or come back early. I have loved all my work in the lab, I couldn’t be luckier to be in such a supportive environment, but I don’t believe that clinical neurobiology research is the field I will continue in. The bottom line I guess, is that I have this feeling in my gut, or heart, whichever you prefer, and that is that. I have nothing negative to say about lab work and research because I have always had an intense admiration and idolization for those who do it, devote their lives to it, and are good at it. But what I have come to realize is I just don’t have the personality for it. And in all honesty I wish I did, because there was always a part of me that wanted to follow in footsteps of my parents, who both blazed a very appealing career path in science. And since I was the only child that appeared remotely interested in science, there were times that I felt it was up to me. This feeling was entirely self-generated, and I know that my parents never put pressure on me one way or the other. They have always said, and will continue to say that they just want me to be happy in whatever I do… (and prepared). And I absolutely love them for that, because it turns out that what I am happiest doing is kind of weird.

So long story short, I know that I want to continue seriously with circus, with teaching and with kids. However I can combine the three, I want to experiment and shape it till I find the perfect balance. That still seems a bit vague, but that is as close to THE PLAN as I feel comfortable getting to at this point.

Over the past two weeks, I have had heated arguments with every member of my family when we start to talk about my future. But the problem was that I was the one that was bursting into tears, flushing hot in the face and frankly, feeling attacked and criticized. My flare for drama was rearing its head every time someone in my family commented on THE PLAN. At first I thought the reason I was getting so upset was because of what they were saying, whether it be a wary opinion or some sage advice, but then after going through the same emotional roller coaster with all three of them, and feeling the depression increase after each conversation, I began to think that I was most upset by the fact that I was getting so upset, repeatedly.

It reminds me of when I would do something bad when I was a kid and my mother would send me on a time -out in her room. I would sit on her bed, in tears and indignant for all of one minute before the guilt overwhelmed me and I would run to her crying, apologetic, and bury my head in her stomach.

So right now I am at the part where I want to run and apologize for the way I acted.

Let’s get one thing straight though. My family backs me 100% when I say I want to run off and join the circus. And I have always known that, and everything they say to me about my PLAN has always been to help me further it along somehow. The problem comes (and when I start to get emotional and upset), is when I get critiqued on the actual planning and implementation of the plan. It is my procrastination, bubbling up inside me like a boiling kettle and lashing out when I feel like I’m being negatively judged on my process. It’s like I am fully aware that I have the procrastination monster inside me, but if you dare bring it up, I will respond with a howl of all the reasons why I am NOT a procrastinator.

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I wrote this blog post last week, when the feelings were still fresh and I still had a lot of frustrations. I stopped here because I wasn’t really sure how to end it. I think the point of this post was mostly just to write out the words that were going around in my head. It’s super confusing when you argue with someone knowing they are actually on your side, it makes no sense and when it happened to me three-fold it really rocked my world. Everything with my family has since been resolved, but I still feel unsure of how to proceed with THE PLAN. But everyday something small gets done. And slowly, with baby steps, I am finding my way. *phew*