The Pursuit of Happiness

It's been quite some time since I've written, for many reasons. There has certainly been no lapse in the amount of things that have happened since my best day ever, but I'm realizing that my life is truly shifting. I think it's fascinating how quickly people can adapt to different environments. Within a matter of days, a place I have never been in my life starts to feel like home, and everything falls into a routine of more or less "normal" life. And yet I am in a completely different environment. My brain is working a million miles an hour simply encoding all the new external cues. The new faces, the new smells and tastes, the route I have to walk, reading German, navigating the map, and new habits that somehow feel like they've been there my whole life. Humans are like putty. We adapt. Certainly in my case, it isn't difficult at all. I moved from one urban city to another, and there were many habits I was able to carry over, it's not like I moved to the woods and needed to learn to hunt. But all the same, it's interesting to me how fast we adapt... at least physically. (If you want to see some awesome people adapting and living in more extreme environments, watch BBC's Human Planet, it is AMAZING). Seriously. But psychologically, it's a whole other matter.

Homesickness is truly a sickness. I knew without a doubt how hard this first month was going to be for me. I don't particularly like change, especially when I have to face it alone. Not to say I don't feel all the love from my friends and family back home, because boy I sure do, but I think you know what I mean when I say alone.
Well, there's no need to be melodramatic about my homesickness. It happened and it's still happening.  It was always inevitable but the good news is that I am beginning to bounce back. And that is mostly due to the fact that I am adjusting to my new life here, and happily. I like where this is going. I did have a couple days of a major urge to leave Germany and go straight to circus school, but I'm relieved to say that has passed. Granted, I do intend to go back to school for circus (probably a commedia program), but I am still young, and I'd like to see what this world has to offer me first.

Before I left Portland, I wrote an entry in my journal exclaiming just how incredibly happy I was. I was madly in love with an incredible man, and a truly wonderful dog. I had a great job and friends I knew I would have my whole life. And I had finally found a niche of theatre I felt comfortable in, and felt a intense passion for. Spring was just around the corner, you could feel it in the Portland air and I was happy. I wrote about how I was glad that I would be leaving Portland happy. Honestly I don't know if I would have been able to leave if I had been discontent. Upon arriving, however, the day came when I was miserably unhappy, and I wondered why on earth I left everything that was so wonderful. I wondered whether I could get myself back there, if I only wished myself hard enough.

But after everything is said and done, I know that my place is to be here, for now. Nobody likes change, and even if we do, there is that comfort that comes from the familiar that nothing can replace. In the end I am glad I left Portland with such a rejuvenated spirit, because that is what is carrying me here now, when the days are long and I find myself alone for the first time in months. But I wouldn't be handling this as well as I am if it wasn't for all of you. The loves of my life.

~~~

I have been juggling every day. Sometimes I don't realize that 2 hours have gone by. But I am ecstatic with my progress. There is something about seeing red, yellow, and blue colors fly by that is very calming to me, and also something about having complete control of what would normally be a total mess (3 balls, 2 hands) that is totally rad. I am hooked. It is an excellent way to unwind, and also an excellent way to get yourself pumped up for work! Or reading papers! Plus, my butt and thighs are really sore from having to bend over and pick up my juggling balls all the time, so it's a great work-out, apparently.
Next on my list of skills to hone -- Hooping! One of my circus buddies is absolutely amazing, it looks like so much fun and I love how much like dancing it is. But even though I'm pretty good at dancing, I kinda suck at hula hooping right now. But hey ho, I used to really suck at juggling.

10 Reasons Why Today Was Awesome.

I AM FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AT THIS MOMENT!! My cheeks are hot and flushed even though it's night and I'm writing this almost in the dark, but I had such a wonderful day, I knew this day would come if I just stuck it out and didn't let the little stuff get me down, and I DID and IT DID and I am relishing in it, yessssssss. But I'll start from the beginning or else this will be a tangent post with no coherence at all.

There are many things that made this day great. First and most importantly, it was sunny! Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 100! (because greatness is measured in the 100's)

In the morning Julius was here with his mother and we had breakfast together, and he has really warmed to me and although he has yet to crawl in my lap, he loves it when I stick my tongue at him and loves pressing the buttons in his books that make noise and always looks at me with glee when we hear the cow say "moo" or the train roaring by. It's actually quite hilarious, but I don't think Bernhard, Barbara OR Julius's mom have noticed that I stick my tongue out at him a lot and make funny faces. Usually the taco, he seems to like that. Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 200!

THEN I headed downtown on my usual escapade, but instead of going to the stupid university building and being sent to yet another person to talk about guest student registration, I took the tram a couple stops further than usual and walked back towards the river, exploring. And joy of joys, I found a children's toy store, with CIRCUS EQUIPMENT! Hurrah! Diabolos, juggling balls, spinning plates, rings, clubs, ribbons, all there before my eyes in dazzling colors, I smiled because now I know I will not have to go without. Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 300!


THEN since I didn't have anything official to do, I decided to walk down to the river and juggle. I did this the other afternoon too, for 2 hours, and within those two hours I achieved my first juggling trick, the rainbow toss over the cascade (with the right hand). YAY. As I was walking down to my favorite spot to practice by the kids area, I saw a young couple walking a slack line. About a dozen voices in my head went off, of all the people who love me and have always encouraged me, saying "Don't be shy! Go and ask if you can join! You'll regret it if you don't!". Normally, I wouldn't do this. But I swallowed my fears and I approached them, asking if they spoke English which of course they did, and  they invited me to try. I did and I totally sucked, I think I only got about 4 steps total, but sucking at a skill doesn't bother me all that much anymore because I have to expect to suck in the beginning. What was more important to me than actually walking the slack line was having the courage to approach total strangers and try to make a connection. And I succeeded, whoohoo! We hung around taking turns and chatting for about 15 minutes before the call of juggling was too great, and I merrily went on my way.  Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 500!

THEN, I arrived at the kids park and started my juggling practice. My goal was to perfect my right hand rainbow, and get started working on my left handed rainbow. While I was practicing many children stopped and watched, or came up close and stared, or asked their parents what I was doing, and two very sweet kids even came over to me and started talking to me directly. They asked what I was doing and I told them "juggling!", and I invited them to try. I only had 3 balls with me, so we each took one and practiced tossing from one hand to the other. They got that pretty easily. Then I had my third ball and said they would have to share it, taking turns trying with 2. They were very good little children and shared the balls nicely, but two balls is a lot harder than one. They were troopers though, and after a bit of tossing they returned them and went back to their game with a big orange ball, but they stayed close and the little boy took spectacular dives onto his side and knees as they played one on one soccer. When their mothers came to get them they said goodbye to me, and I told them I would be back with more juggling balls next time. I taught children circus today. Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 600!

AND I got the left handed rainbow! Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 700!

As 6 o'clock approached, I reflected on the encounters I had with the half dozen children that got close enough for me to wave or say hello to, or play with. If I had more equipment, it would be easy for me to invite more children to play with me and perhaps even teach something and pass along the circus bug. The area where I was practicing was perfect. Right in between the children's play structure and a sand pit, but not encroaching on anyone's space. And now I had access to equipment thanks to the store I found! How easy would it be for me to buy a couple sets of juggling balls, a couple ribbons, and a couple spinning plates, lay out a blanket and invite children to come learn if they were curious? It would be fantastically easy! Once a week, I could go to the park as Delilah and give little mini lessons. It would be fun in summer and since the banks of the river are public property, I am allowed to do whatever the hell I want there as long as I'm not charging money, I'm not getting in anyone's way, or causing havoc. So the seed has been planted. It is just an idea right now, of course. But I cannot deny how infinitely happy it would make me to still get to teach circus, even on a teeny weeny scale. Who knows? But I like this idea. Cha-Ching!
Greatness score: 800!

And last but not least, I saw a beautiful sunset on the bridge over the Nekar river with a blood red sun, and came home to a hot meal with a warm and optimistic soul :). Cha-ching and CHA-CHING!
Greatness score: 1000!!!

This is the balcony in the top floor of Barbara's house, currently my living space.

Coffeeshop Thoughts.

Today, whilst sitting in a cafe, being served by a very sweet waiter, I sipped my coffee and watched the clouds pass. The weather was strange today. Each cloud was its own little rainstorm, speckling the sidewalk as it went along its way and then immediately breaking into sunshine for 20 minutes till the next rain cloud came along. I watched the clouds from below, and I was hungry. I made the mistake of ordering coffee as soon as I sat down, maybe out of habit or being flustered, but I had meant to order food. But the first thing that came out of my mouth was "ein Milchkaffe bitte", maybe because I can ask for it so flawlessly in German, it makes me swell with pride inside, like I'm keeping a secret identity well hidden. I just wasn't ready to give myself away as an American yet.

So, till I finished my coffee and wouldn't feel weird about getting pasta with a hot drink, I sat and watched the clouds, watched the people, and read The Art of Travel by Alain de Botton. I didn't bring much to entertain like movies, but this was one book I knew from the very beginning I would bring.

There is a passage from the book I'd like to share with you, I came upon it with delight because it was exactly the same point I wrote about in my first entry about the funny psychology professor with romantic issues. Except Alain writes with so much more precision and eloquence. The context, in short, is that he and his lover are vacationing in Barbados, and have an argument at lunch that stifles the mood the rest of the day, even as he is sitting and staring at the beautiful view of the ocean (the very same view he saw in the brochure that convinced him to go there).

"Our misery that afternoon, in which the smell of tears mixed with the scents of sun cream and air conditioning, was a reminder of the rigid, unforgiving logic to which human moods appear to be subject, a logic that we ignore at our peril when we encounter a picture of a beautiful land and imagine that happiness must naturally accompany such magnificence. Our capacity to draw happiness from aesthetic objects or material goods in fact seems critically dependent on our first satisfying a more important range of emotional or psychological needs, among them the need for understanding, for love, expression and respect"

I had many thoughts while reading this. First, it reminded me of the funny professor, and how he seemed to scoff at how women seem to be so drawn to psychology. "Alain agrees with me!" I thought.  This is exactly what I will quote from now on whenever anyone scoffs at psychology. You'd be surprised at how many stupid natural science scientists think this way. And how can anyone argue against it? We have all felt the absence of pleasure when experiencing something that we thought would bring amazing happiness. Or even when we go shopping when we're feeling blue. Buying something pretty is always nice, but it's also always somewhat lacking.

Second, I thought about how different Heidelberg has been from what I thought it would be. It hasn't felt has homey as I thought it would with it's cute little houses in a cute little valley. But that's no surprise. I'm not home. I'm no longer surrounded by the people I love or working at a job I adore. Not to say i won't love my job or meet new people, but the absence of the physical presence is pressing. It's been a long time since I've hugged someone, a real hug. At least the last one I can dream of was from my mama.

I know happiness will come more easily once I make friends and spend more time around people my age, but for the time being happiness feels fleeting. But I'm okay with it. I know I have to get through this business side of things -- open a bank account, sign contracts and find a place to live, all before I can really feel settled and more focused, and at home.

I'll end with this picture. Saw it while walking down the street by some lingerie store. HILARIOUS!

Don't Panic!

Saw this in a shop window while wandering in the old city... Thought it was fitting for this entry. And also funny but weird. 

~ ~ ~ 

3. 5. 2012

The mind is a curious thing. Maybe this is why I'm interested in studying the brain, but I just can't imagine what kind of physical chemical processes are going on, that make the mind go totally bananas. And by bananas, I guess I mean worry. Worry, panic, stress, what is the point? I guess from a biological standpoint, one could argue that we worry because we care. If we don't worry, and don't care, then our motivations cease to exist and we wouldn't have any desires for development in our lives. Of course, worrying is a very nonproductive way of showing that we care, but it happens nonetheless. We can't seem to stop ourselves. Why is it that such a detrimental habit is so automatic?

But I digress.

Last night was my first bad night. Maybe it was because I was homesick. Maybe it was because I stayed up waaaaayyyyy too late playing a game on the computer, hoping that eventually I would be sleepy. Maybe it was because I was scared to face the next day, when I would be on my own in the city for the day. It was probably a combination of all these things. Well I ended up falling asleep around 4:00 AM, and had the worst nightmare I have ever had, but at least I got to sleep till 9:30. I can actually do pretty well with 5.5 hours of sleep.

Once I was actually out, it was cake. How complicated can a tram line be? Not complicated. This town was made for walking, and even though I probably could have ridden the tram further, it was pleasant to walk and get a taste of the Old Town when it's not the weekend. I made my way to the Admissions Building at the University of Heidelberg, to inquire about evening German classes. The University of Heidelberg is quite prestigious, but lucky me, since I'll be working for the Cancer Research Center, I fall under the category of "Members of University affiliated research organizations", which means getting into the program will be easy, and it is cheaper at the University than other language courses offered in town, but probably a million times harder to get into, normally.

The birds kept me company for lunch, as I wandered around the now almost deserted streets of the most popular tourist attractions. During the week the tourists seem to go into hibernation. I still feel like a tourist here, but at the same time I'm in no rush to run around snapping pictures of the buildings and the sites. I have a sense of peace in the fact that I'll have so much time here, time enough to get to know the city.

~ ~ ~

In other news, I got an exciting email from my sister a few days ago. I would have announced it sooner and gushed but I wanted to make sure she was okay with it. She's ENGAGED, whoohoo! I couldn't be happier for the two of them. I was suspecting this trip would bring the good news, but it was still a total surprise, especially to see a picture of her ROCK! I don't know what it is about women and diamonds, maybe this is just me, but they tug at something in my soul. Is that materialistic? Meh, what can I say. I know out of all my friends I am probably the most old-fashioned when it comes to jewelry and whatnot, but man oh man I love diamonds. Whenever I try and argue my point, I like to say that more than the rock itself, it's a representation of the relationship. An unbreakable stone, and unbreakable marriage, I think there's something really romantic about that. Of course I don't agree with many of the methods of obtaining diamonds, it's really truly horrid sometimes, but if it was a perfect world, I think everyone would have diamonds on their fingers. (This love definitely started in my childhood, when I used to want to change my name to "Diamond Jewelry Ruby Treasure" or something like that. Perhaps that was the first sign that I liked shiny things). 

So. My sister is engaged and I love her and he isn't so bad so yay! Just kidding, he is actually awesome and I know they will be very happy. 

~ ~ ~

3. 6. 2012

Two days in one! Today I go to the lab at the Cancer Research Center to meet my new boss, meet the members of the lab and find out what I'm actually going to be doing here. Hurrah! German classes start in a month, so I have some time to get back in the swing of speaking it to the best of my ability. My sister and her boyfriend are coming this weekend to see Heidelberg and then a couple days after that, we'll be in Frankfurt for a couple days to see my dad receive the Paul Ehrlich Prize, the most prestigious German award you can receive in molecular biology research. Go dad! 

~ ~ ~

Meeting Julius.

This is the only instagram picture I managed to snap before I realized it was probably costing me $20 a minute to be online on my phone, so this will do for the year! It's one of the many sculptures that Barbara has made that are displayed around the house, but this one is my favorite. I can't help but wonder what kind of a party this is, and what they could be celebrating? I think I could stare at it for hours.

Today when I came down for breakfast we received an exciting phone call! Julius, Barbara's 2 year old grandson was coming to spend the day with us. Hurrah! Honestly I was super excited to have a kid in the house, and he turned out to be one of the happiest kids I have ever met! Of course he was suspicious of me at first, but eventually he warmed to me, after making some silly faces and getting out my clown nose to play with. The nice thing about interacting with a 2 year old is that I don't have to say much, and as it turns out all the German I know is exactly the amount that he can understand! It's fate. We laughed, we played, we passed around the nose and laughed at ourselves in the mirror.

Julius spent the day in the backyard riding around on his scoot bike while Barbara and I worked on some sculpture. her latest project is inspired by the dried out pods that poppy seeds come from, which she finds a lot of in the garden. She has made many about the size of an orange, but now she is attempting a massive one, about the size of a watermelon. My first project was one of her orange-sized pod designs, which she walked me through by making her own example piece alongside my own. When she teaches, she thinks its very important to never touch the other person's work, which I found to be great! It was fun to be working with my hands, and I was quite satisfied with my result, which I will post once it's finished. I am eager to start my next project but I felt instantly braindead when she asked what I'd like to do next.

Throwing pots really appeals to me, because I love making things that can be useful out of something that is essentially useless. But her wheel is tucked away in a corner, her focus now is much more hands on, organic, with less of an emphasis on symmetry. Art for art's sake. If I had simply a lump of clay in front of me, and my hands as my tools, what would I make?

Also, I never realized how heavy clay pieces can get. My arm was getting tired from holding a hollow ball the size of an orange! Whatever it is I make, inspiration is tucked away in every room of this house. Barbara and I have a great banter and I hope I'll get to spend a lot more time learning this art form from her, even when I'm not staying in this house anymore.

Went on a beautiful hike in the afternoon in the backyard forest of my home. Their house is right at the base of a beautiful hill about the size of Mount Tabor. On top there is a war memorial commemorating the soldiers from the first two world wars. And not far from there was a little farm that had a restaurant where we stopped for coffee and cake before heading back down. When we got back Julius had finished his nap and we all went back outside to enjoy last couple hours of light. I finally got some juggling practice in, (whoohoo go me!), still trying to get used to my heavier rubber juggling balls, and I got Bernhard and Barbara to give it a shot! Yay for spreading the bug at every age! Julius was entranced, but only for about 5 seconds, as any 2-year-old would be. I hear I'll be seeing him again tomorrow, maybe he can teach me some new German words?

~ ~ ~

Word of the Day:

Der Fahrrad: Bicycle!
(Fahr: drive, rad: wheel).

Arrival.

       When I found out I would be moving to Germany, one of my first thoughts was whether or not I would start a blog. I hesitated to commit for two reasons: I wasn't sure if I would actually follow through, and I couldn't come up with a satisfying name. 

       Well, now it has been a few days and I've been writing constantly, and then suddenly tonight the name came to me in an instant (just like these things always should in my fantasy world), so I know it's meant to be. Welcome! Here are the stories of my adventures of my year in Heidelberg, Germany. 

                                                                           ~ ~ ~

It’s funny when you travel to a place you’ve never been, you have this idea of what it’s going to be like in your head. You’ve scoped out pictures on the internet and of course they are all of the most popular places. But inevitably, the city is bigger than just the most beautiful buildings. In the case of Heidelberg, there is a gigantic castle, towers and old buildings, German romantic architecture and adorable houses with red shingled roofs. From Google maps it all looks picturesque. But just like any city, the streets are mostly pavement and there are trams and busses and garbage cans and “modern” architecture, ugly buildings and strangers lurking in the cold. All the “normal” everyday living sorts of things were everywhere, and I wondered why I was so surprised to see them. Exactly how small did I think Heidelberg was? On second thought, I was being silly.

I arrived on a bus in the afternoon, the clouds were low and misty, and they dropped me off with what I suspect was 100 lbs of stuff, at a dingy bus station. The main thought that kept running through my head was “I’m living here now, I’m living here now”, and it was slightly shocking to realize. I couldn’t see the castle or the beautiful buildings, it just looked like a boring city. I was intimidated.

But I feel so much more prepared then when I lived in Spain. I’ve been around Germans all my life and despite the stigma they are actually all quite nice and helpful. After collecting my luggage, a very nice Baggage Tracing man gave me a train schedule, a bus schedule, and a map out of the airport when I inquired about train times. He even whipped out a highlighter and marked the times I wanted for the bus and train, AND the path I would walk (about 100 feet) to get outside the building and to the bus stop. After being on a plane for 10 hours in half-slumber worrying about the next step (and how on earth I would handle all my stuff), it was a tremendous relief and change of attitude to encounter someone so kind. I thought maybe it was because he deals with distraught people all day whose bags have disappeared in the mysterious beyond of luggage belts.

So. Now I am here living temporarily with Berhard and Barbara, a molecular biologist and a sculptor, respectively. Living with a sculptor is pretty kick ass, I must say. Her art is all over the house, as it should be, and her love for it is obvious. We’ve already gushed together about the wonders of creating something from essentially nothing, I’ve always been curious about sculpting, it’s one of the only art forms I haven’t dabbled in. And now I am living with an incredible sculptor who has been practicing her art for over 30 years! And her studio in the basement, well, it’s a dream. There is nothing more exciting and inspiring than art workshops, I think. Regardless of the type or art, it’s wonderful to be living with another creator. Especially considering the amount that she has done, it’s inspiring. Her focus is practical, unlike my spiral of crafts getting out of control (quilting, sewing, knitting, embroidery, painting, drawing, paper crafts, and counting…). All of these, by the way, are now in boxes under my bed for the year, save for one choice knitting piece. I did bring all my needles and some embroidery, but I couldn’t bring much, which I think is good. I think one of my vices is a lack of focus in my crafts (my parents might say a lack of focus in my life in general), so I’m determined to actually finish everything I’ve started, and only buy more when I have a project in mind. Can it be done? Who knows…

So, today is March 2^nd, my first full day in the city. Went to the farmers market in the morning with Barbara to buy veggies for the week. I was almost knocked backwards by the intensity of the cheese smell at the cheese cart (but of course in ecstasy). This was the Heidelberg I was dreaming about. Beautiful flowers for sale everywhere, cobblestone streets, red and green stripy awnings over the veggies, and always always bustling bustling grocers collecting your items. We stopped for a coffee in a tiny shop that was maybe 20 degrees hotter than outside, with people having their breakfast (or brunch) served with champagne. Within 10 minutes I met 10 people Barbara knew. The only one that left an impression was a funny professor who taught psychology, and philosophy at the University. His glasses fogged up as soon as he walked in the door. When he found out I studied psychology, he went on to say how this was such a popular topic for women, who love to analyze relationships and feelings. “All women!”, he exclaimed. I wondered why he chose to study it, and then teach it! (I was informed later he was a bit notorious for having problems with women). Talk about some interesting psychological explanations for that! Maybe I’m biased, but what other factor is more determining in anyone’s life choices but your feelings and relationships? On second thought, I am totally biased, haha.